|
|
|
|
its been hell guys.. im not as all sure on who to talk to so i figured since i really cant talk to anyone i should just write in here before i fucking explode... thingswith Nate and I arnt going very well... i found out that he yet again cheated on me with a fat ugly bear whos hairy balding and fat... fucking gross and on top of that he came to Nate's job looking for him when i confronted him... lovely right? oh yea and its just so hard.
|
|
Comments: Read 2 or Add Your Own.
|
|
Wednesday, March 2nd, 2005
|
|
|
Nathaniel and My self have moved back to the manor....ugh.... it sucks but we need to save moolah to get a place of our own. Everything is kinda fucked up right now... the basement was totally trashed and everything is just somewhere until we can get the bedroom cleaned out and that becomes our bed room and the basement part becomes like a chill spot!! score!! word! Nate started cleaning the room tonight he seriously pulled out 8 huge trash bags of shit and didnt make a third of a dent i swear my grandmother is a pact rat from hell on the other side of things I found out that my dear sister and her beloved girlfriend have broken up! YES! you read correctly.. I knew it was gonna happen even though i feel horrible about it. and to top off things she has to stay at Marissa's house bc if she moved anywhere out of Nauggy she won't graduate and will have to take a complete year again on High school. that fucking sucks.. MELINDA, this suthor feels for ya! Many changes are going on at a fast rate.. Gracie has decided to fuck with me.. wrong mistake you ugly FUCK! shes to petty it makes me sick.. seriously Mariano and Grace you guys fucking deserve each other with your retarded ass mock marrage.. seriously please die and do the world a fucking favor! on another note.. Ive been getting real bitchy lately especially with Nate. I know you guys.. i shouldnt let that happen nor make an excuse for it. but im feling secure again so hopefully things will do better im gonna try to let up on my bitchyness... wish me luck! BAH! oh qwll i'll catch up with you guys later
Peace
|
|
Comments: Read 2 or Add Your Own.
|
|
Sunday, December 26th, 2004
|
|
|
Ive tried so hard
but back before
everything ive loved
is such a bore
what can i say to maek it better?
how many times should i write this lette?
why are you here when what you do is very queer?
if you be me and i you cant you see that
dad.. i love you?
|
|
Comments: Add Your Own.
|
|
|
|
Im not sure really to start.. im so afraid this is gonna come back and bite me in the ass! but here it goes.. im so comfused about everything.. things here arnt doing very well guys..Christmas sucked ass.. Things between me and Nate arnt doing well... BUT i do love him with all my heart so i have to stay here and keep fighting... i believe that if you love something you should keep fighting for that relationship until the bitter end. if there is one. we just dont seem to see things eye to eye most of the time.. i miss how it was when we first got together ... everything seemed perfect.. i honestly miss how it was back in the day... could it be that im the reason that we arnt getting along? could i be doing something wrong that im just too blinded to see? im not sure anymore. i do know i do love him and want to be with him i just wish things would get better. The situation with Mariano still hurts me alot.. Mariano and Grace have said that it was more than 4 times that Nate has cheated on me with Mariano and yet Nate says that it was only 4 times.. I do believe him but at the same time he has lied to me.. i dont know who to trust anymore.. i thought i trusted Nate but after the lie he told me about Chris and picking him up im not sure anymore. what should I do? i want to stay with him but alot of times it feels 1 sided. all i can do is hope that things get better.... god i hope they do
|
|
Comments: Add Your Own.
|
|
|
|
Yea.. so alot of shit has happened... my friend's boy broke up with him... Chris was so fucked up over it .. i stayed up with him.. he was a mess.. OMG ive been so worried about him.. he tells me yesterday that Nick and him are talking again.. which might lead to them going back out.. i'm concerned about that.. all I can think of is how Chris was that night.. adn what Nick did to him.. i really hope im wrong man.. i really do... i know that Chris has alot of feelings for Nick.. but i honeslty dont think that Nick is good for him right now.. i told Chris to prove me wrong.. I hope he does!! Really hope he does.. and Jom needs to fuck off! i dont know what the fuck is wrong with him but leave chris the fuck alone.. this obsession shit needs to end.. seriously jim STALKING.. ILLEGAL.. ALL 50 STATES!! YOU FAIL! But thats all for now until i get more time to write in my journal.. work again.. yey!! Chris!! eventhough you'll prolly never read this... good luck man! i hop everything works out for you!
|
|
Comments: Read 1 or Add Your Own.
|
|
Saturday, March 13th, 2004
|
|
|
Its funny how you think your saying things for the right reasons when actually it turns out that everything you say is wrong...
im sick of being hurt by people i care about
im not sure what to say.. when im in tears over something its usually pretty bad
Why?
why am i hurt?
i just dont get it .......
|
|
Comments: Read 1 or Add Your Own.
|
|
Thursday, February 26th, 2004
|
|
|
I know its been a few days since i have written in here... im sorry.. its been just a fucked up few days ya know? where should i begin.. Melinda has been such a jerk lately.. ya all know what shes been like i sopose.. out relationship has been deterreating (ij know i spelled that wrong) so much. all she seems to care about it Marissa... shes fucking obsessed. she wont stop.. Melinda got into a fight with my mom bc shes getting bad grades in school. so my mom was like.. you need to concentrate on yourself and not marissa.. which is completely right.. Melinda doesnt like that. so she took off for 2 days then came home.. and EXPECTED my mom to be all hunky dory about it.. YEA THATS GONNA FLY ASSHOLE!! so Marissa went home.. my mom talked ot Melinda and thought everything was fine.. YEA geuss not Saturday she said she was gonna go out with my brother joey.. she was with joe for 2 hours and met up with Marissa.. then came home.. then Melinda went over Seans house on Sunday and Marissa picked her up again.. Melinda came home on Sunday went into the house and was like ok mom im gonna go say bye to Marissa. my mom was so pissed.. she was so mad she went for a drive...(Ended comming to my house) my mom went home at 130 am the morning came and Melinda didnt say anything to anyone just went to school.. came home and took a nap.. Monday night my mother had a meeting to go to in Glastonbury (45 minutes away) Joel was home.. Melinda came downstairs for dinner and went backupstairs.. an hour later she went outside with a cig in her hand and her purse and never came back.. she was gona for 3 days.. my mother finally found her at Marissa's house so me and my mother drove to Naugutuck at 8 in the morning to talk to Melinda.. now keep in m ind that my mother called her in as a missing person tuesday .. teh police called her and she called back and was like im fine and i really dont wanna talk to mom ill call ehr later tonight.. melinda never called and everytimne someone called her all you got was teh VM. my mother called hospitals lookig for her thinking she got hurt.. my mom has been a total emmotional wreck for the past 5 days. and i have too... the only thing that has been awsome this week has been talking to a friend over the internet.. i actually look forward to talking to him... hes such a bitchen distraction.. and he even has my personality (its fucking scary!!) Thanks Mat! back to my story now... so Melinda took off... i dont know what to think ive been leaving SCREAMING voicemails on her cell phone.. nothing.. when me and my mom went to naugutuck today she wouldnt even come to the fucking door. my mother ended up being let in my Marissa's 25 year old mentally handicapped sister... melinda then told my mother than she was going to live at marissa;s house.. and she woudl be down tonight to pick up her stuff.. shes dropping out of high school and she doesnt care.. WTF is wrong with my sister? i just dont get it.. its hard for me to let Melinda go.. alot of people have left me. Brendan, when he got sent away. when Jamie died.. my brother.............fucking dead.. and plus he was in Cali and I didnt find out until 5 days later when his BF decided to call me and lemme know. and now Melinda. i just cant take this shit... it isnt fucking fair. its so hard guys!! its damn hard
i feel so abandoned
i feel so alone
but in know that i'll always have me
thats the most important
Joel told Melinda that she has until Saturday to get her stuff out.. my mother wants it out now she says "its like having a miscarrage and comming home to the cradle in the room) my mother was crying.. i called melinda's cell phone and said "if you dont come and get your shit. im going over mommy's house tomarrow and im gonna move all of your shit to the fucking curb.. im not having you hurt mommy anymore.. nor am i having you emmotionally fuck her anymore... fuck that and fuck you" and i hung up the phone.. 5 minutes after that i broke in tears... yes i CRIED!! shocking isnt it.. i just dont know how to Deal. its so hard man! Melindan seems to only care about herself and fuck everyone else.. shes a selfish brat.. and the sick part is that this is the girl id take a bullet for.. shes my sister!! is it possible to love someone so much and hate her at the same time? it be so much simpler if i could hate her but i cant..
i want all of the hurt and pain of everything i have to go away.
Brendan.. i miss you
Melissa. I miss you too
Jamie(My Brother) RIP Feb 12, 2004 You'll always be in my heart
Malinda: you need to love your self before you love others, its a shame i didnt see this earlier
Charles. i miss you too too..
Mat(Yes You!) Thanks for making me laugh, and you didnt even try
and everyone else.. i love you guys.. lets see if this week can get better huh
Bless It Be
|
|
Comments: Add Your Own.
|
|
Friday, February 20th, 2004
|
|
|
|
Yea so my mother sucks! she aparently found a note from Sean to me about how sean wanted to get a dime bag... now keep in mind that this note was written in September... she aparently went through my shit at her house and went read happy on my journal, notes, and bills nosey much? i think so. my step father is having a field day with this. the man hates me what better way to fuck with me than to read my shit.. eh hes a nose bastard too... i think that my siblings and i are in agreement when i say that my mother and step father need to get a fucking hobbie. catch up with ya later
|
|
Comments: Add Your Own.
|
|
Thursday, February 19th, 2004
|
|
|
Arg.. its 7:30 in the morning and what a pleasant morning i have had. i woke up this morning with the biggest tummy ache. so i was like... it'll pass... yea NO it didnt i had to run to the bathroom and throw up. OMG i hate throwing up. my tunny feels a lil bit better now but i think i still have to expel somemore. geesh i hope not. this sucks! throwing up is the fucking worse thing in the world. and on top op that im fucking half asleep. arg im gonna try to get some more sleep.
Nighty Night
|
|
Comments: Add Your Own.
|
|
Wednesday, February 18th, 2004
|
| Subject: | Blah |
| Time: | 8:44 am. |
| Mood: |  disappointed. | | Music: | Venus Hum-Snowy Wake. |
|
BLAH!! bordum sucks.. im home tonight BORED!! Sean is away for a few days, Mel is in boston, melinda is around doing the usual with Marissa and Charles.... SCHOOL!! arg well i guess im off talk to you all again soon
Bless it Be
|
|
Comments: Add Your Own.
|
|
Tuesday, February 17th, 2004
|
|
|
|
Good morning! in at home waiting for these guys to come here and deliver some chair for my grandpa. nothing much new here to report. i still feel like shit and to top it off im getting sick... damn this cold weather.. i cant wait until the summer time when its all warm!! yesterday was okay i guess.. Sean and i went to Jon's house last night to chill... his parents went skiing until thursday. Melinda hasnt gone home in 2 days bc shes mad at my mother... go figure! and Sean and his John Doe kind of broke up. it seems that Andrew doesnt know what he wants. Sean is kind of a mess. poor Sean! well i guess im off to fight for another day. ill talk to you all later
|
|
Comments: Add Your Own.
|
|
Monday, February 16th, 2004
|
|
|
|
Well, Mel's gone.. she went back to boston.. God im gonna miss her so much guys! MEL I LOVE YOU!! Jon drove her back this afternoon. this weekend was heen total hell. one of the only things that were great was seeing Mel again. it felt like old days. but there was a difference.. were all older. i still think of the 4 of them as my other family. Mel, Charles, Melinda.. and of course Brendan. I would love to get together with them all again. i miss that! but times, they are achanging! were all different than we used to be each in our own ways. i still love them all.. we make new friends in life but always cherish the old ones to. 3 out of the 4 have never left me for anything. i know i used to be a fuck up. Brendan had his problems hence why he got sent away. Mel has had her problems and so has charles and melinda. We all deal with out problems im out own ways. that doesnt mean that i stop loving these people. i had asked mel if she was comming back this summer to fairfield. she said that she didnt know yet. Melinda is leaving to go to california this summer i believe. charles is still in his own little world. and i wanna go back to school in september. were all changing. growing. and i think that we have become awsome people... I miss brendan with all my heart, i just hope hes still helping people like he always did. Mel is still my voice of reason.. hopefully always will. charles is still teh crazy ass clubbing parting person we all kow and love. i hope he IS and ALWASY will be careful with himself. if you guys ever read this. just know that i love you all.. i hope that we are all reunited together one day.. it'll be one hell of a trip i swaer!! i love you all please never forget that.
|
|
Comments: Add Your Own.
|
|
Sunday, February 15th, 2004
|
|
|
hey guys... for the past 2 days i've really been thinking about an old friend. Brendan. I dont think he'd like me using his name on here so. ive kept his name out. Guys, i hurt. there are these 4 people in my life which whom i love with all my heart and soul. 1 of them wants nothing to do with me and i dont know why. what did I do? what didnt i do? i just dont know. Brendan was the person that i was closest to out of the 4 of them. guys, i love you with all my heart and soul. i hope you know that. Mel, you ARE my voice of reason. your the only one that keeps me sane and makes me think of the BIGGER PICTURE , for that ill never forget you. you always help me figure out the concequenses of my actions. thank you. i love you! charles. you are my other faggy half. for everything im not you are and vise versa. Melinda. yor my sister you always make sense in your own way. maybe not to the way id like but you always do. Brendan, you'll always have been and always shall be my little brother. I miss you so much. tonight was a wreck. i did somehting really bad. i looked into Mels phone wiht out her permission (Mel, im so sorry) and i saw that Brendan had called while i was with her. she told me that it was her step sister. thanks for protecting me. Mel knows that Brendan is a really bad subject with me. with everything that i have gone through Brendan is the one subject that always makes me cry... yes people i do cry...... not about much but about Brendan and the other 3 i ALWAYS will. Brendan called Mel tonight and wanted to know this person's number (No, im not telling who) Bren will talk to this girl but not to me?? WHY??? it kills me. What did i do that would make him not want anything to do with me but yet he'll have things to do with people that are my friends but not me? i dont ge it... is it because his parents dont want him to do anythign with me? because of me being gay? that wasnt an issue with me before? culd it be now? i just dont know. id probably feel better knowing what it was... it hurts so much that i want to crawl under a rock and die... i love the 4 of them with all my heart and id die and go to hell for any of them, yes even brendan. the 4 of them will never know how much i love all of them. i dont think i could loose any more of these people. i already lost one i dont think i could loose another. to those who are left. I LOVE YOU...
Im so hurt right now that i really just wanna die(Not suicidal btw) .. for those readers that know what im talking about cherish those friends that really amke a difference in your life and cherish every moment bc it will never come again. dont let my mistake be yours... tell those people in your life how you feel about them bc it might be the difference between you and them someday... Mel, Charles, and Melinda I love you gus with all my heart and soul.. please dont leave me like he did.. it'll kill me.. and brendan i love you too you'll always be my lil brother. ALWAYS. and what ever i ddi to you to make you hate me/... im sorry
|
|
Comments: Add Your Own.
|
|
Wednesday, February 11th, 2004
|
|
|
Well, its Wednesday morning.. YAWN.. bored as all hell.. yey this week has been a total drag.. i cant wait until friday when Mel comes home.. i really miss her i cant wait.. this weekend is gonna kick some ass !! Maybe if im lucky ill even get to see a certain someone this weekend... KEEP THE HOPE!! anyways i guess im gonna jet so you all keep watching ill probably do more of an entry later on today.. see ya's later
Bless It Be
|
|
Comments: Add Your Own.
|
|
Tuesday, February 10th, 2004
|
|
|
|
Yawn.. Im so tierd.... Today was such a blah day it totally sucked... nothign much new here to report and yes.. to all of those who have been wondering.. I MOVED!! Now, lucky Me i live right near easton.... i think im gonna throw a party for that one.. wanna come? well im off to fight the evil for cell phone users.. again... this superhero bullshit sucks!! until next time viewers tune it again.. same bat time same bat place
|
|
Comments: Add Your Own.
|
|
Sunday, February 8th, 2004
|
|
|
This weekend was really hard for me. lets start with my Melinda. i was going throgh some shit with my mother lately. Melinda came into my room and i was talking to her about shit. after that she went down stairs.. i walked down the stairs 10 minutes later and i walked into the kitchen to melinda telling my mother everything i said to her. that was teh biggest breach of trush i have ever encountered. why would she do that to me. she was the 1 person in this world that i thought i could trust. after that i got into a huge fight with my mother and went out of the house. got picked up by some friends and went out to cool down.. oh and did i forget to mention that i let melinda barrow my last 5 dollars the night before for pot? yea thats right ohh and before i found out shes been telling my mother everything i paid her cellphone bill and put it on my credit card so her cell phone would be turned back on. SO i guess im an asshole. so then i came home at 1130 pm and the doors were locked. i called melinda on her cell phone bc Marissa's car wasnt in the drive way and i knew they were out and melinda picked up the phone and i asked her to come home and let me in she said "Mom sais that im not allowed to let you into the house". thats fucked up. My mother gave melinda a key to the house and i didnt get one. and nw shes locking me out of the house? that the fuck is wrong with this picture.. im sorry im not the model child for my mother but dammit in the kid she had.. dont treat me like shit.. ive been known as the family fool and thats fucked up. who the hell does that to their kida? thats the worse thing you can go to yur children is treat them like that.. to top off my day Sean called me today and was like "I think im gonna give the computer to melinda" quick recap. Sean called me a few days ago and asked me if i wanted his old computer and i was like yes.. ive been so excited about the computer and now he wants to give it to melinda?? bc my mother's computer is a piece of shit?... i was like a total slap in the face. the thing is.. i want that computer not only bc i need my own bc i dont have one. but because i want4ed it for school.. but i want is most of all becasue Sean thought of me and fixed the computer for me.... and sean thought of me.. thats what makes it worse. . . that computer has more centimental value to mme more than anything. if that computer gets given to melinda im gonna be so hurt. ive been crying all day over EVERYTHING. i dont know if i can take this shit anymore its so hard not to have anyone that you feel that you can trust. I wish Mel was home... i have to go to my mothers house and get all of my shit and more importantly.. MY CELL PHONE CHARGER .... Jon took me out for coffee this evening bc he knew what was going on... he just called me and was like.. im on my way.. i was like what?? he said were going out for coffee.. he always comes when i need him.. who would figure? i wish brendan and melissa were here. i love you guys and jon.. you know i love you too... melidda.. i miss you
i wish you were here.
|
|
Comments: Add Your Own.
|
|
Saturday, February 7th, 2004
|
|
|
|
My mother and step father want me to move out... i dont know what i sould do anymore they picked a fight about absolutly nothing.. my brother todl me that my mother was packin all og my shit i was like over what??? i just dont get it sometimes .. mel.. i miss you i wish you were home...
|
|
Comments: Add Your Own.
|
|
Wednesday, February 4th, 2004
|
|
|
|
Its difficult to loose someone who was close to you. I have found it really hard to function like i normally do. all i can say is that he will be missed. he didnt have alot of friends but he had me. i know he is in a better place where he cant hurt anymore. Jamie once told me that life was something that had to be cherished. I know that all he wanted for the people that knew him and loved him was to celebrate his life. not mourn it. this writer cant halp but mourn a tragic loss of a loved person. YOU WILL BE IN MY HEART ALWAYS. I LOVE YOU
|
|
Comments: Add Your Own.
|
|
Monday, February 2nd, 2004
|
|
|
Yawn!! its Monday... well im suck here at the house waiting for my friend John to call me. John has a week to get out of his house .. all because he has a friend "Spade" living with him becasue he has no where to go.. i thiink thats real dick of his dad.. so im working like hell to see what I can do to get john a place to live.. apartments. rooms for rent. ya know.. its tiring.. i have my best man working with me on the job.. hopefully we can find a solution to a friends problem.
Bless It Be
|
|
Comments: Add Your Own.
|
|
|
![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif){kind=small}
illusionsreal's journal
ans stuff....
artistic.
confused.
gloomy.
bitchy.
sick.
awake.
tired.